Week Five: Stop Divining the Future
If you’re like most people on planet earth, the uncertainty of the future and what people are thinking causes a great deal of anxiety. And for some this anxiety can be debilitating. I know because I’ve struggled with it. Humans are fragile creatures—that’s surprising to think about but without our technology we would be another animal’s midday snack. This primes our brain to seek out information from around us to best predict what level of alert we should be at. For our complicated, densely social and technological lives this alert system is outdated and can even be detrimental. This anxiety alert system starts to invest a lot of time in predicting the future and mind reading.
What do I mean by these two behaviors? Well the first is about predicting or anticipating events. The second is about predicting and anticipating what a person is thinking. In both cases, we’re usually wrong. In fact, humans make very poor predictors precisely because we live with such high thresholds of anxiety. We assume the worst and therefore will tend to predict ourselves in the worst-case-scenario or we mind-read ourselves into a pigeonhole.
To cope with these two behaviors we have to recognize that it’s okay to be uncertain. That means we have to comfort ourselves when we are faced with uncertain situations. We need to find ways to deescalate the threat response that comes with high levels of social uncertainty. This means looking carefully at what we say to ourselves; what message with give ourselves and being diligent to challenge thoughts that have no basis in hard, cold facts. I may think that Joe Shmo is thinking that I’m a horrible person, but I don’t know this for certain. In fact, chances are high that Joe Shmo isn’t thinking of me at all. Most times when we engage in mind-reading we are making ourselves a lot more central to the person than what we really are. I know that’s a blow to the ego, but think about your own interactions with people you meet daily. Do you spend huge amounts of time talking about every single person and more specifically talking about them negatively?—probably not. In fact, the only time we are really going to think about another person with any depth is if we are currently invested in a deep, intimate relationship with the person. And then, it’s even more important not to mind read.
Mind reading and predicting the future waste a lot of cognitive energy that could be spent toward problem-solving or relaxation, depending on what the situation best requires as a response. Mind-reading tends to make us more anxious as it starts a cycle of obsessive thinking about what another person is thinking with little or no evidence to support the conclusions. While attempting to predict the future often makes us paralyzed that we don’t act in a way that’s in our best interest. We become lost in all the possible outcomes that we start to approach the situation as unchangeable. And in both cases, it’s never the positive we obsess on—it’s usually the negative because our tendency towards anxiety is activated by both of these cognitive distortions.
Week 5 challenge: Grab 2 sheets of paper and draw two columns on each. At the top of the left-hand column of one sheet write: Mind-reading. And on top of the other column, you guessed it, Predicting the Future. On the mind-reading page, write in the column what you are thinking a person is thinking about in a present challenge you are facing or faced. On the predicting-the-future page, write out your various thoughts about the future of a challenging situation. Now opposite each statement you wrote, start a sentence with the following: “This statement is uncertain, what I only know is (fill in the blank)”. Take an honest look at how little you can actually predict or mind-read. Now consider what do you need to do to feel less anxious about the situation and jot down some positive coping strategies.
What do I mean by these two behaviors? Well the first is about predicting or anticipating events. The second is about predicting and anticipating what a person is thinking. In both cases, we’re usually wrong. In fact, humans make very poor predictors precisely because we live with such high thresholds of anxiety. We assume the worst and therefore will tend to predict ourselves in the worst-case-scenario or we mind-read ourselves into a pigeonhole.
To cope with these two behaviors we have to recognize that it’s okay to be uncertain. That means we have to comfort ourselves when we are faced with uncertain situations. We need to find ways to deescalate the threat response that comes with high levels of social uncertainty. This means looking carefully at what we say to ourselves; what message with give ourselves and being diligent to challenge thoughts that have no basis in hard, cold facts. I may think that Joe Shmo is thinking that I’m a horrible person, but I don’t know this for certain. In fact, chances are high that Joe Shmo isn’t thinking of me at all. Most times when we engage in mind-reading we are making ourselves a lot more central to the person than what we really are. I know that’s a blow to the ego, but think about your own interactions with people you meet daily. Do you spend huge amounts of time talking about every single person and more specifically talking about them negatively?—probably not. In fact, the only time we are really going to think about another person with any depth is if we are currently invested in a deep, intimate relationship with the person. And then, it’s even more important not to mind read.
Mind reading and predicting the future waste a lot of cognitive energy that could be spent toward problem-solving or relaxation, depending on what the situation best requires as a response. Mind-reading tends to make us more anxious as it starts a cycle of obsessive thinking about what another person is thinking with little or no evidence to support the conclusions. While attempting to predict the future often makes us paralyzed that we don’t act in a way that’s in our best interest. We become lost in all the possible outcomes that we start to approach the situation as unchangeable. And in both cases, it’s never the positive we obsess on—it’s usually the negative because our tendency towards anxiety is activated by both of these cognitive distortions.
Week 5 challenge: Grab 2 sheets of paper and draw two columns on each. At the top of the left-hand column of one sheet write: Mind-reading. And on top of the other column, you guessed it, Predicting the Future. On the mind-reading page, write in the column what you are thinking a person is thinking about in a present challenge you are facing or faced. On the predicting-the-future page, write out your various thoughts about the future of a challenging situation. Now opposite each statement you wrote, start a sentence with the following: “This statement is uncertain, what I only know is (fill in the blank)”. Take an honest look at how little you can actually predict or mind-read. Now consider what do you need to do to feel less anxious about the situation and jot down some positive coping strategies.
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